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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26546374">to be determined, unshakable</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ekuhisu/pseuds/Ekuhisu'>Ekuhisu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chengyu [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Illuminati arc, Manga Spoilers, good luck, my writing style is so shit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:40:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,447</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26546374</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ekuhisu/pseuds/Ekuhisu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He can’t, he’s forever tied to the Shima family, tied through the demon of generations past, through the legacy of his dead brother.</p><p>Bon’s perspective before, during, and after the Illuminati arc.</p><p>Or</p><p>雷打不动</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shima Renzou &amp; Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji, Shima Renzou/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji, if you squint</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Chengyu [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1979699</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>to be determined, unshakable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this instead of my History paper and I’m not sure it was worth it. Whoops.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In all the darkness that surrounds him, flickering and taunting as if moments away from feasting, Renzo looks like a stranger.</p><p>On many nights, Bon would awake in a cold sweat. The thought of Shima—the image burned into his mind. His face so young yet lacking joy; his eyes empty reflecting nothing.</p><p>Shima’s hair had been black then, a far cry from the jovial pink he’d dyed it.</p><p>As a child, Bon would lie awake for hours, thinking about it. He would crawl out of bed and tiptoe to Shima’s room. He’d check on him, just a quick glance into his bed to ensure that what he saw was a lie. That his dreams merely existed within his head.</p><p>Back then he’d sworn that he would protect everyone from monsters. He’d protect everyone like he’d been unable to during <em>Blue Night</em>.</p><p>When he was five he learned that those black flames—Yamantaka—would forever be a part of Shima. Bon learned that he couldn’t protect his friend from this destiny of his.</p><p>When Bon was 15 they moved to True Cross Academy; Shima dyed his hair and the dreams stopped.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>He can’t, he’s forever tied to the Shima family, tied through the demon of generations past, through the legacy of his dead brother. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, despite how Shima acts now, will he ever be free?</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>“Come onnnn, Bonnnn,” Shima whines, “You’ve gotta come to the festival!”</p><p>Bon jerks his arm away from him, “No, I don’t.” He returns to his work. “The exorcist qualification exam only happens once a year,” he sighs, “You ought to be studying too.”</p><p>Shima rolls his eyes, ignoring his last comment, “This festival only happens once a year too! Take that stick out of your ass for once and live a little.”</p><p>Bon doesn’t dignify him with a response. He instead stares blankly at the text of some demonology book, the words no longer making sense, or perhaps he just finds it boring now. He never has this much trouble focusing on his lonesome.</p><p>Damn Shima. Of course he doesn’t have time to go.</p><p>“He’s right Bon,” Konekomaru says, “about the festival at least. It only happens once a year.”</p><p>Bon looks at Konekomaru, betrayed.</p><p>“You’re going, Koneko? Wait, do you have a date?” Shima asks carefully.</p><p>Konekomaru blushes, he twists his fingers, that’s enough of an answer for Shima. He groans, “No way! Why am I the only one?”</p><p>Bon shakes his head and pretends he’s not watching as Shima prances over to Kamiki.</p><p><em>Izumo-chan~ you wanna go to the festival with me?<br/>
</em> <em>Of course not! Unlike you I actually plan to pass the qualification exam.</em></p><p>It’s something in her tone of voice which makes Bon pause. Does Shima even want to become an exorcist?</p><p>Bon’s sure he has his reasons to be here, after all he comes from a line of exorcists. Of course he wants to be an exorcist, Bon thinks, he’s never given an intimation otherwise.</p><p>Shima was never one with much ambition, perhaps he hasn't found a dream yet; that answer fails to satisfy him.</p><p>It’s a thought which sticks with him for longer than he finds comfortable.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>“I wonder what Shima-san’s planning to do…he’s definitely not suited for Aria.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rin shrugs. “I guess that’s something he’ll have to decide.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Konekomaru shakes his head, “I know but, it really is a pity.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You think so?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“He has talent and he’s just letting it rot.”</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Bon wakes at 12am, for the third time in as many days. He stumbles to the sink and coughs up bile. Then he pours himself a glass of water and swishes it around his mouth. He shudders at the dreams which come to plague his nights.</p><p>He walks over to Shima’s bed and sits next to it. As a child he would do something similar, he would do this to ensure the safety of his family. It doesn’t work anymore. </p><p>So Bon waits, he’ll wait till the end of time if that's what it takes. He watches Shima’s face and swears that he’ll protect him. He prays that the dreams mean nothing.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>The black flames lick Shima’s hands and face. They card through his hair like an older sibling. His hair is pink. He’s older. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bon’s feet are cement. He can do nothing as Shima is devoured.</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>“Shima-san, you’re the Illuminati spy?”</p><p>Bon can do nothing but stand there now. Kamiki lies unconscious in Shima’s arms. That expression in his face, so easygoing and light. It appears that way, but Shima’s emotions are entirely closed to him. In Shima’s eyes Bon sees nothing. No remorse or sadness neither triumph nor joy.</p><p>And then he wonders, did he ever see anything?</p><p>The others are talking, yelling. Okumura launches at him. Shima blocks the Koma sword with his K’rik, the black flames surrounding them both. Yamantaka? He says something to Okumura and then they break apart.</p><p>Shima leaps, light as a feather, onto the helicopter. “Thanks for trusting in me, it really was a lot of fun.” He smiles eerily. “It looks like this is as far as I got,” then, “Farewell.”</p><p>“Shi—ma.”</p><p>Bon sprints the railing, finally able to move again. “Renzo!”</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em> “Why?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I hated everything.”</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Bon hasn’t slept well since the night of the festival. When he does he only sees Renzo.</p><p>He only remembers lost things and he wonders how he missed it. Bon recalls one time in particular in which things fell apart. Since remembering, the night replays in his head over and over again.</p><p>“It was a late night, Renzo had disappeared, his father and older brothers were frantic. Every member of the Myo Da was searching for him.</p><p>It had been loud with Kinzou and Juuzou shouting “RENZO”.</p><p>The whole place was in an upset.</p><p>Bon was supposed to be sleeping but he couldn’t, not while Renzo was gone. It was clear his father was keeping his disappearance a secret, but all the noise was an indicator that something was wrong. And the man guarding his door was an indicator that something was double wrong.</p><p>Bon had crawled out of his bed and escaped out his window easily, there was no one there to stop him. And who’s dedicated enough to watch a sleeping child’s every move?</p><p>Everyone was outside, Bon had to wait behind walls and in bushes for long stretches, but as he approached his desired destination the number of searchers dwindled. The grass was damp beneath his bare feet and Bon thinks he should have worn sandals.</p><p>Bon knew Renzo was alright though, he could feel it. He just had to be sure.</p><p>The garden was deserted as Bon expected. Flat land for an acre or so, there were no places to hide save for a boxy shed nestled between two Sakura trees, bereft of their blooms.</p><p>Bon jogged towards the shed purposefully. He could feel a tug on his heart and he was sure that Renzo was there. He ran behind the shed to where there was a hole in the crawl space, leading to the underneath. He recalled one time when Renzo had him exterminate all the bugs.</p><p>He knew Renzo was there, but he had hesitated. These things didn't just happen; he tried to uncover what might have caused this, now that he knew Renzo was safe.</p><p>Renzo had begun training with his father, did that cause this?</p><p>Bon thought of the warm, kind man. He shook his head, of course not. Renzo was just being a brat, he often caused trouble for his family after all.</p><p>Yeah, that sounded right.</p><p>Satisfied with what he’d concluded, Bon wormed into the crawl space. “Hey Shima!”</p><p>Then he saw him. The meager light from the waxing moon filtered through the latticework, allowing the water on his face to glisten. Renzo was curled up, hiccuping and crying. Bon couldn’t see much else, beyond his outline.</p><p>The words died on his tongue and he wondered if he’d ever seen Renzo cry before. He sputtered for a second, Renzo paid him no mind.</p><p>He didn’t understand. All he could think to do then was crawl next to him, hold him and rub his shoulders until he stopped.</p><p>The next morning Bon woke up in his bed, Renzo was back as well. Now though, Juuzou would scold Renzo harshly whenever he ran out of sight. Kinzou refused to leave his side.</p><p>Renzo said nothing to Bon about it and things continued as normal, except for the new bruises littering Renzo’s arms, the calluses on his palms. Inevitably they were growing up, and as the years wore on that memory seemed more plausible as a dream; and like a dream it left his memory.”</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>“You’re scum.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Renzo smiles, “No hard feelings, right? Izumo-chan~.”</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Kamiki is alright, physically at least. The psychological torture she endured is largely unknown, however. He doubts she’d ever want anyone to know.</p><p>Okumura’s sword is drawn, it looks as though his encounter with Renzo was unfriendly. He wants to run over and interrogate him.</p><p>What happened?</p><p>Was he injured?</p><p>
  <strike>Did you injure him?</strike>
</p><p>He’s being controlled, right?</p><p> </p><p>Does he hate me?</p><p>But then the sky opens up and atop the broken pillars stands the second half of this mission. He looks happy and untethered. Bon should be glad to see the lack of malice towards them, but he isn’t.</p><p>Something unfamiliar settles within Bon. Something selfish and horrid, wishing to tether Renzo to him, forever, to ensure that their family would never change. Perhaps if he kept better watch over him, this never would have happened.</p><p>When he rebuilds the Myo Da he wants Renzo there with him. But seeing Renzo like this, that dream fractures a bit. For how could he clip the wings of such a creature?</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em> “Is it my fault?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No, it’s mine.”</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Bon has difficulty believing his ears. Renzo agreed to become a spy? He <em>wanted</em> to. This new information fails to lessen his anger towards Renzo. He’s angry at himself just the same.</p><p>But Renzo is not just an animal to be watched and perhaps there was nothing he could do.</p><p>Regardless, this means things will return to normal. He just has to trust in Juuzou and Yaozou. He wishes for this, but he knows that he won’t trust them, he can’t. Not after what they did.</p><p>He knows that when Renzo returns all he’ll be able to see are those eyes and the things they hide.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>“I envy you, Koneko.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Konekomaru laughs, “I envy you, Shima-san.”</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>“Hello~ everyone?”</p><p>Okumura’s wearing a pink wig.</p><p>He looks like nothing like Renzo. He sounds nothing like Renzo. Renzo is not just thoughtless words and colored hair.</p><p>Konekomaru mutters that his loyalty to the bit is admirable.</p><p>Renzo has to fight Okumura for his seat.</p><p>Okumura-Sensei asks Renzo to read for the class. Okumura and Renzo begin reading.</p><p>Renzo interrupts, “Hey, hey, isn’t this kind of strange?”</p><p>Okumura-Sensei admits that he mistook the older Okumura’s antics for a practical joke.</p><p>Kamiki’s pissed at him. She looks at Renzo as if he were the scum beneath her shoes.</p><p>Mephisto poofs into existence and attests to the spy’s innocence.</p><p>Renzo ends up losing all his clothes.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>“I thought if everything got out, I wouldn’t be able to come back to school and be with you guys…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“So you were alright!” Bon hugs him. He holds on for a bit too long.</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Bon hasn’t been sleeping. Lighting occupies his waking hours. The time in which he should sleep he spends awake of course.</p><p>He lies awake and listens to Konekomaru and Renzo. He listens to their breathing.</p><p>They’re both still here. Good.</p><p>Bon wonders how often Renzo got up during the night, while he was none the wiser.</p><p>He worries that if Renzo leaves again, he’ll never come back. So he lies awake and tells himself that he’s not afraid of the things he dreams.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em> “What are you doing with Bon?” Renzo asks, “If you’re playing him to get to me… he’s got a pure heart and he’s ridiculously serious. So don’t demean him like that.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lightning grins, there's something sick behind it. “Heh, you guys really are buddies!”</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Bon thinks Okumura-Sensei’s lost it.</p><p>“Are you really, gonna shoot me?”</p><p>Okumura-Sensei adopts an expression as if he regained his sense, but his eyes reflect the mind of one unhinged. He laughs something broken and removes the gun from its place under Bon’s chin.</p><p>“You’re right, of course not.”</p><p>Okumura-Sensei staggers backward and stumbles away. Bon reaches out for him but retracts his hand when Okumura-Sensei vehemently rejects his help. Bon’s phone rings and it’s Lightning, again. He picks up the phone and definitely doesn’t hear the jingling of a K’rik around the corner.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>“Okumura…” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Okumura pauses in his hapless ignorance. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I need to talk to you.” </em>
</p><p>…</p><p>It all goes to shit when people begin seeing monsters.</p><p>It all goes to shit when Mephisto gets shot.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>“I guess it’s bye for good this time Bon, Koneko.” </em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Okumura’s forehead has a hole in it.</p><p>“Rin!” Shiemi screams.</p><p>Bon’s too far this time. He can move, he can yell and fight and run. But he’s too far.</p><p>He can do nothing when the Koma sword breaks; he can do nothing when Okumura gets shot.</p><p>Renzo and Okumura-Sensei board the helicopter and Renzo says farewell for the last time.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>It’s easy for him to think that it’s his fault. If he weren’t so occupied with himself, with Lightning he could have stopped Renzo from leaving again. He could have stopped Okumura-Sensei then.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But hindsight is a dangerous game. </em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Shiemi’s dealing with her own shit, Bon knows. Okumura is where he needs to be with Konekomaru rushing to help him. Kamiki and Osceola help him break Lightning out of prison.</p><p>And Mephisto ever the grand puppet master.</p><p>The ride to the massive airship is bumpy, turbulent, but Bon has an iron stomach and his resolve is as strong as ever. But he can’t complain, better an actual pilot than Lightning. Bon shudders at the thought.</p><p>The pilot turns and says, “Unidentified light source ahead.”</p><p>His resolve has never been stronger but then Kamiki asks, “What will you do, when we come across those jerks, Yukio and Shima?”</p><p>He doesn’t answer. She continues, “I’ll show them no mercy, I promised him that the next time we meet as enemies.”</p><p>Bon swallows, unable to answer, then, “I don’t know yet. I don’t like fighting friends and family.”</p><p>Kamiki looks as though she would contest.</p><p>The turbulence picks up again. Bon hates lying.</p><p>He'll do whatever it takes to get to Renzo and bring him home.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em> “You’re not responsible… for him.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know.”</em>
</p>
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